Originally Published: October 29, 2015
I miscarried my first pregnancy, it left me feeling like I was destined not to have kids, but I finally got pregnant again more than a year later. I feared every moment of that pregnancy that I would lose my little turtle. Our first ultrasound the baby looked just like I was carrying a turtle. Five little white blurs on a black background. I had strong feelings it was a boy. In all of my dreams, our child was a beautifully funny little boy. My husband already had a daughter, and he is the last man of his line. I wanted so very badly to give him a son. Growing up a tomboy I didn’t think I had what it took to raise a daughter.
On our four month appointment, the ultrasound tech revealed merrily “It’s a girl!” I asked if she was sure and then huge tears started rolling down my face. After I got dressed she came back in the room and blew up at me telling me I should be thankful for what I got some women couldn’t have children period! What she couldn’t possibly know, in that moment, when I was told I was having a girl, my dreams for my son were crushed. All of my hopes for his future instantly vanishing, playing ball with his daddy, football games, chasing frogs, fishing, hunting, camo jackets and blue jeans, all of it. The beautiful funny little boy in my dreams was taken away from me all in that instant. I already loved the child I was so strongly convinced I was carrying. It was almost like having another miscarriage emotionally.
Skipping forward to today 10 years later… I miscarried another time or two over the years until my body decided to grow a mass the size of a small baby. The night I went to the ER and found out about the mass I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t in labor. I was having so much pain and pressure. It resulted in a major cancer scare and me losing my womb at 30.
I’ll never hold a son in my arms. Those dreams are forever lost now. Though I wouldn’t trade my little girl, I always thought there would be more time for more babies, and I’d have my little girl one day. When you’re young you can dream your life out to be anything you want it to be. I wanted the “American Dream” my 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. I wanted my daughter to have an older brother to look out for her. I was the oldest of my family and often had to take on the role of the “older brother” saving my siblings from things they got themselves into. I wanted my daughter to have the security I never had of having an older stronger sibling to watch out for her. God had different plans for my little family though.
God knew… He knew she’d be my one and only. He knew I’d connect with her in ways I couldn’t with a little boy. He knew I needed her. I wouldn’t trade her for anything she is my reason for getting out of bed every morning. She is the love of my life. I’ve enjoyed every moment of pigtails, dresses, and hairbows and I needed those things in my life. But I still surprised myself even today crying while I told you this story of a disappointing gender reveal, and for the son I never got to meet.
Sometimes you only get a glimpse of the anger or disappointment on the surface of someone else… You can’t ever truly know the mind, heart, and soul of another. One of my favorite sayings growing up was “Be kind to others, they may be fighting a harder battle than you know about.” I’m sure our ultrasound tech had her reasons for losing her cool on me, maybe she struggled with fertility herself, maybe she’d had to tell her previous patient, “I’m sorry I can’t find a heartbeat” Who knows what her reasoning was that day. What I do know is that she compounded my grief by belittling it in that moment.
All of that said… You are allowed to explore things you don’t understand about others’ processes and the why. If you offend it happens, but do try to understand when someone is upset, be kind above all. Some people really don’t have a why… But some people didn’t go through the struggle and don’t realize how lucky they are and for that they don’t realize the need to be thankful for the mundane.
*steps off my soapbox*
This post was originally written in October of 2015. A few days ago I was in the car listening to Lex & Terry and they had Ericka Boussarhane on and she was talking to a gentleman who had lost multiple infants if I remember right. She mentioned to him that the dreams he had of his children were them coming to him and letting him know they were ok. This has changed my perspective at this time in my life of those dreams I had while I was pregnant with my daughter. The child I miscarried was coming to play with me in my dreams while I waited on the birth of his sister. I genuinely believe Little Cole waits for his mommy in heaven while hanging out with his grandparents and one day I’ll get to hold him in my arms finally.